A 20th Anniversary Tribute-Part 2

2005 was a busy year on all fronts; it started with my first trip to India in March 2005 for work, followed by a trip to Himalayas in July the same year with a group of Turkish Yoga Teachers guided by dear N.V. Raghuram. All senses are amplified in every possible way in India, colors, smells, sounds, it was a sensory and spiritual carnival. During my first trip, I visited a traditional ashram in Mumbai and joined their daily program. I still fondly remember Hansaji and her husband Dr. Yogendra. This gave me a very brief ashram experience. I owed Ganesh a visit and fulfilled it in his temple.  I came home with more books than I could carry. When I went back to India in July the same year, summer of 2005, I went with one goal in mind. I wanted to see God

We studied Mandukya Upanishad with dear N.V Raghuram. By that time, having read enough and understanding yoga at least on the surface, I knew what I was looking for. I was looking for myself, my true self, my true potential.  In this journey, I’m grateful to be exposed to this short but impactful text. It’s believed that if you understand these 12 verses of Mandukya Upanishad and practice it, you don’t need anything else to be enlightened, this text is enough!  I thought “that’s easy”, oh well…Now, years later, I still practice what’s suggested in this short text. This Upanishad described the Imperishable OM (AUM), described the material creation, the life and how to realize divine self. A for Waking state, U for Dream, M for Deep Sleep and the silence that all dissolves into. Maintain that silence and be Aware, be the Awareness itself. Not as easy as it sounds…

We also met with some living saints and sages; how lucky we were. I was granted my wish,I saw God in Ganga (Ganges).

I was watching Ganges with a little disappointment in Delhi. It was dirty, muddy and weak; it had no power. As we traveled up to Rishikesh and towards Gangotri, Ganga turned young and restless and immensely powerful. At a point, it gave me shivers and a deep respect to its power. Then it started to rain to a point where we were flooded. It was the same river after all. I saw the reflection of life in Ganga. It was all the same river, the old, the dirty, the young and the restless, the mellow and the flood.  My wish was granted. Years later I was going to realize you don’t need to go to Himalayas to see God, it’s everywhere.

In 2005, I finally felt ready for YTT, but I couldn’t take time off from work or leave my kids to go to a 30-day YTT in an ashram. I had a 5-year-old, a 10-year-old, and a full-time job. Cincinnati Yoga School was planning to bring a teacher in from Kripalu again but Diane Utaski, the owner of CYS was in the process of handing over the yoga school to its new owner, Will Brashear. There was some uncertainty. We needed a minimum of 9 people to have the training, so I rolled up my sleeves. I started actively advertising the YTT. This was pre-social media and pre-smart phones. I tried my best by putting signs up, spreading the word, and only had 8 people sign up. Thankfully, Will signed up as the 9^th, as the new owner of CYS, so we started our YTT journey in December 2005.

The first Guru- gate- scandal shock hit me 2 weeks before the Kripalu YTT had started, I just didn’t know at that time this was not going to be the last.  I learned the infidelity and abuse of Amrit Desai, the spiritual director of the Kripalu lineage in the Kripalu ashram in Massachusetts. Amrit had sexual misconduct with his disciples. He was married at the time. This had happened 11 years prior, in 1994, yet it was like yesterday for me because I had just learned about it. I was crushed and disappointed. I was so eager, and I was promoting the training, yet I questioned if I should attend the training myself.  I didn’t want to engage in a tainted institution. Amrit Desai was long gone at that time and new leadership took charge in the last decade now. Diane convinced me that Kripalu had nothing to do with Amrit anymore and I was finally convinced to attend the training. 

Kripalu YTT Class of 2006

To be quite honest, the training was a little bit frustrating for me as it was asana (physical aspect) heavy and philosophy not as much. However, this also made me realize how much I crave for the philosophy part of Yoga. Besides the philosophy part, it was an amazingly put together, step by step program that led us to being comfortable in teaching yoga safely. Many good memories and transformations happened during the training and lifelong friendships formed. We graduated on April 1^st of 2006.

Kripalu Yoga is a Shiva lineage, no wonder…The lineage, like many other lineages in India has magical stories in its history. A meteor perfectly shaped like a Shiva linga, yogis enter samadhi at will and as they disappear their shape magically carved into the stone, only to be discovered centuries later in a temple where Swami Kripalu recognizes the shape carved into the stone as his teacher, Lakulisha. Despite a thousand years gap, his features had not changed.

In Kripalu yoga, postures, breathwork and meditation are all happening simultaneously. It’s a synthesis of traditional approaches; physical and purification practices of Hatha yoga, mental discipline of Raja yoga, prana awakening of Kundalini yoga, devotion of Bhakti yoga, and service of Karma yoga. Prana is recognized as the link between body, mind, and spirit, when awakened removes blockages and reunites one to his/her true self.  Kripalu yoga has 3 stages of sadhana, the practice. 

Stage 1 teaches various yoga postures, concentrating on alignment and coordination of breath. Stage 2 takes it to a deeper concentration on awareness of sensations as a witness. Step 3 brings intuitive guidance of prana. Also, one is encouraged to witness by sequence of: Breath, Relax, Feel, Watch and Allow.

I especially liked one of the pre-requisite books during our YTT, The Ethics of Caring, written by Kylea Taylor. I embarked on developing a training out of it, to warn new yoga teachers and practitioners of possible pitfalls on the spiritual path.

I exchanged messages and received permission from Kylea Taylor to base my training off her book.  Now I understand it was for my own healing of the scandal in Kripalu, not the new yoga teachers.

Kylea’s book was about our vulnerability towards ethical misconduct. It talks about the root cause of various misconducts: money issues stem from our fear of insufficiency and insecurity, sexual misconduct stems from our longing for physical expression, and power misconduct stems from a fear of losing control, etc. 

 I just didn’t know this project was going to lead me to my second encounter with yet another Guru-gate scandal, this time hitting harder, hitting home. 

I had read Autobiography of a Yogi a few years before, fast forward to the summer of 2006, I participated in a Yoga Retreat with CYS at Ft. Ancient. This weekend-camp was designed for CYS’s new YTT and students alike. I was going to teach an Intro to Reiki session during the Retreat. I took my kids to this overnight occasion too. That night something magical happened. 

It was late at night; my kids were sound asleep in our room, and I wanted to spend time on the porch overlooking the millions of stars on this beautiful summer night of August 2006. I felt grateful to have spent time in this ancient Indian sacred land, and it felt like it was time for me to move to my next stage. I felt like chanting “Om Namah Shivaya” 108 times and asked for Shiva’s transformational energies to help me transform to this new stage, even though I had no clue what it was.

Suddenly, it felt like a portal opened and I knew my answer would be given the next day. The next day of the Retreat, one of my dear Ashtanga Yoga teachers (and best Ashtanga teacher I’ve ever encountered) Shashank Lakhia, uttered the work “Kriya Yoga” when he was giving a lecture. The bells and gongs started to ring, the whole Universe smiled. I was stunned, of course it was Kriya, it was time for me to take the Kriya initiation, but how….

This is a whole different story to tell in detail which I’ll write about when I write about Kriya Yoga.

Spring 2008 Issue of CYTA Newsletter  on Ethics of Yoga class

In October 2006 I was doing a search for my YTT course in Ethics of Teaching Yoga and looking for Guru-gate scandals in the US.  I came across another one, this time with Swami Kriyananda, the Spiritual leader of the organization that I was planning to take the Kriya initiation with. The feeling I had was gut wrenching, disbelief, shock, sadness, betrayal, grief… you name it. Honestly, I thought I would not be impacted this much if my husband betrayed me because he is a human; but a Guru… no. I didn’t even know him personally, had not taken initiation from his organization or was his disciple, but I can’t imagine how hurtful it should be if you’re betrayed by your own Guru.

I got the greatest lesson out of this: Never put a Guru on a pedestal. They’re human too. Take their teachings that resonate with you and always allow room that they can make mistakes too. 

In the fall of 2006, I also started to teach a “Family Partner Yoga” at Wyoming Fine Arts center; I’ll confess, I didn’t think I was good enough to teach yoga to adults yet. I had young children at that time, and I felt more comfortable with kids. I designed a class parents could take with their kids and do partner exercises, including breath work, and lots of games. The class helped me build my confidence, but I wasn’t going to be comfortable to teach a regular class for another few years. During that time, I subbed for classes across the town as I continued to take every possible workshop I could in Cincinnati.

My son was my partner on Monday night Family Yoga class- 2007 Wyoming Fine Arts Center

During this time, I can’t thank CYTA, Cincinnati Yoga Teachers Association, enough. I was very honored to serve on their Board for a few years as well as being the Social Networking Chair. CYTA had an apprenticeship program to train local yoga teachers; monthly continuous education trainings where local yoga teachers taught the most refined teachings. CYTA even invited guest teachers to Cincinnati from across the country. They also had an annual Yoga Day with day long activities and community building. Every month I took a CYTA sponsored continuous education workshop. The classes span from anatomy to Ayurveda to pranayama, from different styles of yoga to philosophy. I’ve been so lucky to being exposed and learned so much from so many selfless servants.

A friend of mine inspired me by telling a story about her grandfather. Her grandfather did 108 Sun Salutations every day throughout his life. When he was in his nineties it’d take him all day to complete the 108 sun salutation. Suddenly, an idea to do a 108 Sun Salutation came to me. Will/CYS suggested to make this a fundraising event. We invited the whole CYS community. It was almost like a preparing for a marathon.I trained for it starting slowly and building up. Before the actual event, I completed 2x108 sun salutations so that I could time myself.  It took 1 hour and 40 minutes if I did it alone, the actual event took 2 hours and 15 minutes because we took short breaks after each 12 sun salutations, and I read inspirational stories and anecdotes from saints and sages. I also chose inspiring music. We raised almost $2500, and I had so much fun. Still today, this is one of the events that I am proud of myself for completing. It was physically challenging, mentally exhausting but my soul soared.

I knew taming the mind was the only way but I struggled so much to quiet my mind that when I finally figured out how (in a very loose sense) , I decided to share what worked for me and started teaching meditation first to my Reiki group, and then at work.  I was always arm's length distant to Tantra, but I had built love-hate relationship with Osho during this time.   

Yoga was booming in Turkey too and I continued to follow the yoga community in Turkey and especially inspired by Zeynep Aksoy who brought yoga to masses, Elvan Demirkan with her column in mindfulness, Ayca Gurelman who translated Vedic masterpieces to Turkish and attended Bora Ercan's classes in our summer vacations, whose studio was only 5 minutes walking distance form our Istanbul apartment.

I continued to be fascinated by Vedanta. Meeting Swami Tadatmananda in a CYTA event was incredible. I intended to visit Ramesh Balsekar, another living Vedanta Guru but unfortunately he passed away in 2009. I don't know how any times i watched one of his rare interviews in youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fByNIZWwm4&ab_channel=AdvaitaFellowship

I continued to read Swami Dayananda especially his interpretations of a particular mantra.

“Poornamadah Poornamidam

Poornaat Poornamudachyate

Poornasya Poornamaadaaya

Poornamevaavashishṣyate”

 

“Completeness is that, completeness is this.

From completeness, completeness comes forth.

Completeness from completeness taken away,

Completeness to completeness added,

Completeness alone remains. “

 

All is perfect, all is perfect as is!

 

Next: 2010-2015- A new Era starting with Grace Tree

A 20th Anniversary Tribute

September 2021 marks the 20th anniversary of my continuous yoga practice so I thought I’d look back and reflect. 

Hiking to Natural Bridge in Red River Gorge past weekend, reminded me the common analogy in spiritual teachings including yoga that uses reaching to the top of the mountain as the goal of the “journey”. There are different routes to reach to the top, just like the different hiking trails. Some routes take longer, some promise to be short cuts, in some you can get completely lost or even hurt yourself. However, they say, those who reach to the top enjoy the same view. 

I’ll leave it to the end what I learned in this journey but I can give a hint here and say there is no mountain top to reach… 

My journey started 9 years prior to my first official yoga class., in the summer of 1992. I took 

Summer 1992

a “stretching” class in a resort during a summer vacation in south Mediterranean coast of Turkey and loved it! As soon as I was back from vacation, I started looking for stretching classes at gym’s. At that time, Step was becoming very popular, none of the gym’s had a “Stretching” class. I went to different gym’s relentlessly and tried to explain the routine: stretch, breath and relax at the end. Nobody knew what I was talking about. They tried to sell me Step and Aeorobics classes and I gave up. I didn’t even know it was called Yoga. LOL 

Years later, my sister-in-law, talked me into trying a yoga class. She talked about breath, grounding, stretching and that it was very relaxing. Sounded interesting. 

2001-2004: First Years 

In September of 2001, I took my first official yoga class at Courtyard Tennis Club in West Chester, OH. I immediately realized this was the “stretching” class I took years ago. After the class, I was almost in tears. I went to the teacher and said, “You don’t know what this means to me, I was looking for this for 9 years” The teacher laughed and said, “Glad you found us”. I felt so at home with this practice. I started going weekly. Then something really weird happened at my 3rd yoga class… I heard a voice that said “You will teach Yoga”. It wasn’t a desire to teach or a wish. No, it certainly wasn’t. I was literally told that “I will teach Yoga”, short and simple. It was such a clear knowing that it was undeniable. I told myself, If one day I’ll really teach this, I’d better learn it properly. 

I also realized I liked elements of yoga all along since young age, I liked stretching in gym classes and hanging on the bars upside down in high school. I took a 9-month breathing class when I was pregnant with my son and I was amazed at how one can control the body with breath during natural childbirth.

Couple months into my practice, in 2002, my once-a-week class at Courtyard became twice a week. My daughter was a baby. I’d put her to bed sat 7:30 pm and rush to an 8 pm class. My first teacher Robin was a FitYoga instructor but she was true yogini. I still feel so lucky to have started off my practice with her. We did shoulder stands, head stands, the whole proper asana practice. She even had focused classes on inversions, backbends, etc. I felt excited about the idea of teaching yoga but was equally scared. 

One day, when my teacher asked me to teach a portion of the class, it was terrifying. It felt as if the whole world stopped and no words came out of my mouth for minutes. Apparently, no one else noticed. Probably the most terrifying thing for me was to teach in another language, but I was so certain that I had to teach this one day, so I had to get over that fear. 

Lake Cumberland 2003

In the meantime, I ordered my first yoga book, “Sivananda Guide to Yoga”. I inhaled that book inside out and was surprised by the philosophy element. It all started to make sense. This was very much a holistic practice. The physical aspect (asanas) brings strength and balance to the body, meditation brings peace and clarity to the mind, breath is a bridge in between body, mind and soul, and you can take the practice to everyday life with yogic principles (yama and niyamas). I loved it. 

Towards the end of 2002, I started investigating other yoga studios in town and there weren’t many. There was Cincinnati Yoga School-CYS in Blue Ash, Shine Yoga in Erie, It’s Yoga which was an ashtanga practice in Ludlow and there were independent teachers teaching at churches, libraries, etc. There was an Apprenticeship program at CYTA- Cincinnati Yoga Teachers association, but I wanted to take the 200hr Yoga Teacher Training (YTT). I started going to different studios, trying different styles and teachers around the town. I kept going back to CYS, especially to Diane Utaski’s Kripalu class and Donna Covrett’s Anusara inspired class. I loved both of them. My next few years passed by reading and becoming more fascinated. I also started attending workshops offered at yoga schools. 

 Lake Cumberland 2003

My first meditation workshop was on February 2003 with Julie Lusk. That summer, I explored yoga classes in Turkey, with Semra Elmali in Izmir and Ersin Ananda at Kaivalya Ashram in Istanbul and Adnan Cabuk to name a few. I met with dear Ayca Gurelman for the first time on July 2003 in Istanbul. 

I’ve read many books during my first years, but I need to emphasize one that changed my life. I’m still in awe how these events happened. First of all, it’s very rare for my husband to buy me a book because I’m a book worm and like to choose my own books. Yet, he was in Half Price books and he saw a book called “The Path” and grabbed it for me. This I can’t thank him enough, he changed my life… 

It was during Christmas break of 2002 and I read The Path in just a few days in awe. The book was written by Swami Kriyananda (aka Donald Walters), about his Guru Paramahansa Yogananda. It was such a sincere book written with so much love for a Guru, I envied him. Secretly, I wanted a Guru too. The second thing this book led me was to buy the Autobiography of a Yogi, the masterpiece and spiritual classic by Paramahansa Yogananda. When I read the Autobiography of a Yogi, I said two thigs, 1) If Yogananda were still alive and 2) if I didn’t have kids, I’d leave everything else and go to his feet to accept me as his disciple. Well, he wasn’t alive and I had kids so I started investigating this path called Kriya Yoga. The SRF, the organization founded by Yogananda was in California, there was no way for me to go there. There were other off shoots of Kriya lineage. I found a Guru in Canada, one in Chicago, but none of them resonated enough for me to travel to see them. I let it go, yet I carried a book of Yogananda’s Metaphysical Meditations with me. I think my Kriya Yoga experience deserves a whole other blog post, so I’ll leave it here for now. 

Summer 2004 Cesme

I remember my heart was pounding when Diane, owner of CYS at that time, mentioned there will be a Kripalu Yoga teacher Training in Cincinnati in 2004. I didn’t feel like I was ready yet. I had so much more to explore. It’d be another 2 years for me to take my YTT. When I took my first Bhagavat Gita class at CYS, on March 2004, I set a new goal for myself, I wanted to teach Bhagavat Gita one day (a yet to be realized goal). Through this epic story depicting a war, made me clearly realize, the war was in fact in our mind. Surrendering attachments, judgements and duality: Surrendering was the way. 

In 2004 I took my first Anusara workshop (means flowing with Grace) with John Friend and I fell in love with Anusara even more. I wanted to take their YTT but they had such high standards then. One had to be teaching for 2 years before they could apply to be an Anusara Yoga teacher. Anusara was based on a certain Tantric tradition, using Action (natural flow of energy in the body) to express the Attitude (power of the heart), through Alignment. The attitude of each asana moved from inside out, making Inner Body Bright. My heart still breaks for what happened to this lineage and John Friend and I feel for those who are impacted. 

I was convinced I had to meditate.Every book I've read talked about the need to tame the mind, and that a serious practitioner should meditate and contemplate. It was so frustrating and it took me few more years to figure out how.

My first Kirtan was at Shine Yoga in 2004 with Dave Stringer and many more Kirtans followed after that (Thanks to Wendy Anderson). I started discovering the Bhakti path-Devotional path of yoga. My first Kirtan with Dave Stringer, chanting Om Namah Shivaya, over and over again, without even knowing, I felt my first significant state of expansion. I was miles and miles tall and miles and miles wide. I couldn’t tell where I began and where I ended. I wasn’t everything but I was everywhere. I knew how I would ground myself and come back to my body but I didn’t want to; this must be what masters were talking about “you’re more than your body”. Indeed, my body was only a small part of me, and my consciousness was the real thing. I stayed in that state until the next morning and finally I was back at this little body again. 

One of the next Kirtans, again something interesting happened. A song, Shivo Hum, stood out and sounded so familiar. I felt like I will almost utter the words and understand the lyrics. I couldn’t. It was in Sanskrit. After Kirtan, I purchased the CD and ripped the cover to look into the translation of the lyrics in the dim studio light. Adi Shankara… who the heck is he, such a wisdom and truth resonated with my heart. That’s how my Advaita Vedanta journey started… 

Advaita means non-duality or no-otherness, it’s the Vedanta school of yoga that believes, just like the essence of a gold ring is gold and you can’t take gold out of the ring, our essence is God/ Pure consciousness/Supreme Awareness. There is no other but God, or the Pure Consciousness. Advaita also believes we can realize this true nature in this lifetime (moksha). It resonated with me probably because it resembled Sufism, mystical Islam, where God can be seen everywhere and everything. 

Here is an excerpt from Nirvana Shatakam by Adi Shankara and a poem from Rumi a Sufi master. 

I am not the mind, the intellect, the ego or the memory, 

I am not the ears, the skin, the nose or the eyes, 

I am not space, not earth, not fire, water or wind, 

I am the form of consciousness and bliss, 

I am the eternal Shiva... 

Adi Shankara 8th century 

Not Christian or Jew or Muslim, not Hindu, Buddhist, Sufi, or Zen. 

Not any religion, I am. 

I am not from the east or the west, 

not out of the ocean or up from the ground, 

not natural or ethereal, not composed of elements at all. 

I do not exist, not an entity in this world or the next, 

did not descend from Adam and Eve or any origin story. 

My place is the placeless, a trace of the traceless. 

Neither body or soul. I belong to the beloved, 

have seen the two worlds as one and t

hat one call to and know, first, last, outer, inner, only that breath breathing human being. 

Sufi mystic - Jelaluddin rumi - 13th century 

Next 2005-2010: spiritual pilgrimage to India, how I saw God in Ganga, YTT and more…

A Divine Play in Nature

                                                                     

Years ago, I saw a Rock artist at a beach in Southern California. I was mesmerized. He was so skillfully balancing the rocks that I thought the rocks were magnetized.  When the country started shutting down due to Covid in March 2020, I was in CA for a business trip.  I was in Ventura Beach and I couldn't resist but to pose for the below picture. I thought, I want to build something like this when I grow up. 

I'd like to build something like this when I grow up- March 5, 2020 

Later in the summer of 2020, my son and I were hiking at Hocking Hills,OH and we came to this field,  with lots and lots of rock sculptures. This was a big playground for hikers full of rocks to build their rock sculptures. That was it...I gave it a try and I was hooked. 

Should I try???

My first ever rock structure at Hocking Hills

I'll not talk about how to balance rocks. There are multiple videos of professional rock artists in youtube but I'll talk why. First it became a nice distraction for me in nature, something I looked for in Covid-summer weekends, and then in the Fall,  then in Winter, and then in Spring...I started spending time in river beds, balancing rocks, I'm so lucky we have plenty. 

For me it's connecting to Earth and feeling its balance and perfection through rocks. It's an incredible meditative activity where I can single pointedly concentrate and not think about anything else.  I'm not in a contest to build the highest tower of rocks. Not at all. The less the better. 

First thing first, I need a large stable base, just like our hara, one that connects me to Earth, one that I can rely on and build on top. If this base is not stable, forget it, it will never hold. A structure must build on top of a stable base, Just like we practice to build our connection to Earth, claim our place on Earth, stabilize and declare our existence, you keep your base rock stable. When your base is stable, nothing on Earth can hold you, no fear can distract you. 

Balance starts with harmony. The next one should weigh in to the Earth but be weightless of any emotions, senses and sensations. If you load too much meaning into this next one, forget it, it won't hold. You need to let this one free, so that it can reach to Heavens. Right and Left, Above and Beyond, it stands on Earth solidly to reach to Heavens.

When Earth and Heaven is perfectly balanced, the next one comes naturally and claims its place, be careful here,  no expectations. This one is to know that there is more beyond Earth and Heavens.  The trick is to be true to yourself only and willing to expand beyond your borders. 

The next one is where the Earth, Heaven and Beyond disappears. You can sometimes reach to this, sometimes not and it doesn't matter a bit. No effort needed, if it comes, it becomes by the Grace of it. 

Leave no trace., like everything else this journey ends, it comes to an end and it dissolves, one picture is taken at a point in time, and all the stones go back to their origin. One by one placed where they were found and thanked over for their co-play role.

Impermanence is the last lesson, letting go lovingly and don't cling.. After all, they were here for a lesson, in a Divine play in nature, just for the joy of playing.